Thursday, October 6, 2011

Finding My Home Online

The internet is a strange and feral beast and even from my early experiences with it (aim chat-rooms with complete strangers) I've always been a bit uneasy with making friends on it.  As time went on my feelings about that have changed.  Yet, there's still those rare times where I get the feeling that someone just outright hates me.  Now, this post is not intended to fish for reassuring complements or loath in self deprecating anguish.  Seriously, not everyone is going to like everyone.  That's just a fact of life.  I want to talk about the vagueness of the internet.  A silly joke or poking fun of a friend could be taken seriously, it's hard to tell and the internet lends itself to passive aggressiveness.  I'd be lying if I thought from time to time that someone online just outright dislikes me.  Most of those times the evidence is, again, vague and probably misunderstood.  However it's the feeling of uncertainty that gets me.  I'm a sensitive person and it does not take too much for me to feel hurt.  Because of this I am going to make it my personal goal to be as genuine as I can online.  I know it's so easy to be something you are not online.  Hiding behind the pixels and the 0s and 1s is so tempting but faking 'it' is even more frustrating.  I've been feeling cluttered with my online presence lately, making too many promises to too many people.  Starting...well now, I have decided to change my focus a bit.  Change my 'image' to one that requires less maintenance but more work...if that makes any sense at all.  I took a break from the internet last Saturday and came back to a flood of emails, notifications, questions, etc.  The two weeks I'm about to take off will lead to who knows what... The thing I discovered from my break (which consisted mostly of me reading a book in my backyard in the sun all day) was that I need to sort my priorities out.  I need to stop worrying that people hate me.  I need to do what I want to do and create a hierarchy list of websites I give my time to.  My personal site needs to be much higher on that list then it currently is.  (Most people don't even know it exists.)

Perhaps I'm not even worried at all, perhaps I'm not upset or even care if I'm well liked or not.  Perhaps simply writing a stream of conscious blog post that will get read by very little people is therapeutic enough to put me at peace and realize that 'finding my home online' means very little.  But probably it's the anticipation of my European adventure I will leave for in less than two days.  A two week break from the internet (save email and twitter to stay in touch with my loved ones) and a chance to really experience things in a way I have not for the past month or so.  Maybe it's the open-ended-ness of my future.  Whatever it is, it doesn't matter so much. Not really.

Flights taken this year: 0 but about to change
Currently reading: Good Omens by Nail Gaiman
Subscribers: 259
Featured Craft Project: nothing, as I am about to embark on a journey and must pack light

1 comment:

  1. It's so much easier for people to be nasty online than in real life because they don't have to say it your face and because they can take out their anger on someone who isn't a "real" person in their eyes. I really wish those kinds of people would understand that just because you type it instead of saying it, doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt.


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